People reports that Al Gore’s daughter Kristin is writing Nailed, a sex comedy for Jake Gyllenhaal and Jessica Biel. The plot line so far, according to Radar: “A woman is accidentally shot in the head with a nail that activates the sex fiend part of her brain, becomes involved with sleazy congressman.”

Now that’s some dirty politics!

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And its reporting, we hear, will be just as solid as that of the Washington Times. We kid, of course, since the Washington Capital Sun is a completely imaginary paper dreamed up by the creators of a new movie based on the outing of Valerie Plame and the wacky world of former New York Times reporter Judith Miller. But that’s not the only trickery doing down! “[W]hile the real Judith Miller may be remembered as a stylish, slightly scary reporter of 59, headed off to jail in a quilted black jacket and tortoise-frame sunglasses, in the movie she is a sizzling Kate Beckinsale, 34, dressed in a, shall we say, form-fitting skirt,” reports WaPo. Miller has got to be flattered by that casting. Meanwhile, the editor of the Capital Sun is none other than Angela Bassett, most famous for her star turn as Tina Turner. Another bit of Hollywood magic, indeed, since diversity in real Washington newsrooms, especially at the top, is lean at best. As Anne Schroeder might say, “Not sayin’, just sayin’.”

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Despite his image as a bastion of all things liberal, filmmaker Michael Moore was seen by Big Head DC pulling up to the big premiere of “Sicko,” his homage to the pitfalls of the American health care system, in a gas guzzler of a vehicle on Wednesday night.

His not-so-sweet ride, “a crew van, used to make movies,” he told us, caught some of the many progressives in attendance by surprise.

“Maybe he can’t fit in a hybrid,” one onlooker quipped.

“You’d think he’d know better,” said another. “Especially considering he wants Al Gore to run for president.”

Well, here’s a solution: Nobody tell Gore that Moore’s a gas whore! And maybe forget, too, to remind Gore that Moore supported Ralph Nader in 2000.

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Big Head DC reveals that Roosh V, the blogger formerly known as DC Bachelor (and, before that, DJ Rocking Horse), is an associate producer of “The 1 Second Film,” which is scheduled for production throughout 2007. The movie, which aims to raise thousands of dollars for the Global Fund for Women, is the brainchild of Nirvan Mullick, a former student at the California Institute of the Arts. The content of the film consists of exactly one second of animation and will be immediately followed by approximately 90 minutes of credits scrolling during a “making of” documentary.

During the credits, you’ll see Roosh V’s name, along will several other prominent Washingtonians who are taking part in the project.

Some people questioned for this report have raised eyebrows at Roosh V’s willingness to be part of a film that aims to support, rather than degrade, women. But sources close to the real-life microbiologist say that he’s aways had a soft spot.

“His alter-ego is snarky and caustic,” explains one of his former lovers.  ”So what?”

To date, Roosh V has donated less than $10.00 to the effort, which qualifies him for associate producer status. His co-producers include Kiefer Sutherland, Tom Green, Andy Dick, Tom Arnold, Tony Kanal, Mark Ruffalo, Seth Green, Selma Blair, Spike Jonze, Stephen Colbert, Bill Pullman, James Cromwell, Kevin Bacon, Pierce Brosnan, Charlie Kaufman, Christina Ricci, Jason Ritter,  Steve Buscemi, Alan Cumming, John Leguizamo and Pauly Shore.

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Ultra-controversial Washington-based author Marty Beckerman (his latest is “Generation S.L.U.T.” — read his blog here) just won’t stop sharing his thoughts with us. Help!

BHR: Happy Election Day, Marty. Did you get any calls from candidates asking you to stump for them this year?

MB: The only candidate who has earned my endorsement is Kinky Friedman, and I don’t live in Texas, thank God. Did you see that the governor of Texas said yesterday that all Jews go to hell? How great would it be if the singer of the Texas Jewboys were to take his job? Perhaps a greater victory for the Tribe than the War of 1967.

BHR: Huh. No, we didn’t see that. Moving along, what do you think about the recent controversies in the Evangelical, Catholic, and just about every other kind of church? Read more…

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Wilmer Valderrama and co-star Bobby Cannavale

Mockette here, guys. My favorite NYC gossip, Perez Hilton, justifiably rags on Wilmer Valderrama for making ridiculous hand gestures in every picture. Now that he’s made a “serious star turn” in Fast Food Nation, which premiered in Georgetown on Friday, the boy has simply got to learn how to act in public. I haven’t seen the flick yet, but if it’s anything like That 70’s Show, I’m sure to hate it. Thankfully, I’m told it’s nothing like That 70’s Show. I did catch up with Valderrama at Play later that night just before Lionel Richie stopped by. He’s shorter than I expected, and his gesture problem was temporarily cured because a drink was always in hand.

P.S. Richie is just plain old. I don’t care how much concealer he wears.

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On this happiest of Mondays, kids, we’re excited to help acquaint you with a new Big Head Rob character, Mockette, who officially begins her reign today as a co-editor of your most beloved Washington gossip Web site.

With a sense of fashion to die for and an equally impressive background in journalism, Mockette has long had her eyes steadily fixed on the DC media and culture scene. In other words, she’s a lady after our own heart. Before she starts regularly contributing to the site, we asked her to do one of our famous BHR interviews. And, since we’re paying her for her contributions, she readily agreed:

BHR: First of all, welcome to this crazy world that some people call ”the Google.” How does it feel to begin working for Big Head Rob?

Mockette: What can I say? It feels amazing. You’ve been asking me to do this for longer than DCB’s Sally has been getting her hair bleached, so I finally had to give in. Especially now that you can afford me, unlike DCist and Metroblogging DC.

BHR: Yeah, you certainly don’t come cheap. But what’s with the Mockette moniker? Are you afraid of revealing your true self to our readers?

Mockette: Fear is not in my vocabulary, BHR, as you well know. I prefer to think of myself as a “secret shopper.” You never know where I might turn up, and what little scoops I might uncover. WaPo’s Tom Sietsema goes to great lengths to make sure that people don’t know what he looks like. How else could he get a restaurant to serve him? I’ll go to great lengths to make sure no one unveils the real me, and I can guarantee it will be advantageous to your, er, our readers.

BHR: “Our” readers, indeed — already making yourself at home, huh? Can you at least share whether you have any tattoos?

Mockette: Yeah, my arms are enshrined with little twinkling stars in subtle tribute to Ana Marie Cox, but I went a step further: My legs, too, have red, purple and pink butterflies from toe to hip. Seriously, no, I don’t have any tats, but I’m considering getting the BHR logo inked in a special place at some point.

BHR: Fantastic! We’re thinking Christmas bonus… Now, a serious question: What version of A Star is Born is your fave?

Mockette: There’s more than one version? Judy Garland’s 1954 rendition is the only one that ranks in my mind (and heart). Maybe someday I’ll sing a song from the film and post it here.

BHR: You’ve always been a self-promoter, Mockette. We love that! And we certainly love you. We sincerely look forward to your contributions and are honored that you’ve decided to join the team.

Mockette: Thanks, BHR. Now watch out, kids, ready or not, here I come. There’s no place to hide. E-mail me anytime, day or night, with your most secret Washington media and cultural gossip: mockette@gmail.com  

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If you’re anything like me, you probably missed this bit of news from back in July: “Fonda, Parton and Tomlin keen on 9 to 5 sequel.” They have confirmed that they definitely want to do it, and are open to all script ideas and offers. And, now I find out that a 9 to 5 musical is being developed.

How ironic that this past weekend, we decided that it would be crucial to have a 9 to 5 sequel within the next 5 years (before Jane, Lily or — God forbid — Dolly, dies). As we drove around Washington, D.C., we contemplated several script ideas.

We decided that the sequel must focus on the girls now running whatever company they ran back in the original, and that the ingredients for hijinks this time will be driven by the competitive pressures they face from today’s youth-driven market. At the same time, Jane’s character will fall for a handsome — yet shifty –building developer (who, we decided, would either be played by Warren Beatty or Donald Sutherland). It will turn out that said developer’s son (Dermot Mulroney) happens to be in the same business as the girls (WTF was that business?!), and Lily will determine that the whole relationship with Jane has been a farce put on by father and son to destroy the girls’ business. However, Jane, smitten by the love bug, will hear none of that and the girls all end up fighting — putting their company in still greater risk.

We also discover at the beginning of the movie that Lily adopted an African American baby soon after the original movie ended. He’s now a 7-foot-tall drag show performer who also happens to work at the girls’ company during the day. (RuPaul will be cast in this role). In the opening scene, Ru will find out that three of his friends aren’t able to perform that night (cramps) and he needs three fill-ins for the performance. But who? Dolly, Lily and Jane, of course! The opening credits will flash across the screens as the girls ham it up with RuPaul singing a re-worked version of Dolly’s 9 to 5 — with the lines, “I worked 9 to 5, now I’m working overtime” prominently featured.

There will also be a scene where the building developer becomes violently ill. Jane suspects that Lily attempted to poison him with rat poison. Dolly ends up disguising herself as a nurse and goes into the hospital to read his chart and get to the bottom of what’s causing the rift between Jane and Lily. Ultimately, she overhears a conversation the building developer is having with his son about their devious plans. She determines that he’s faked his illness to keep Jane from discovering what’s going on with the whole business thing. So, she switches his chart with a person who is receiving heavy dosages of sleeping pills, and waits for him to drift off to sleep. Then she shares the info with Lily.

The rest of the movie focuses on Lily and Dolly finally convincing Jane what’s been going on. And RuPaul will help somehow. And there will be a final sequence when the girls’ toast their triumph over evil and youth and then there will be dancing and Dolly will sing with Ru.

Jane, Lily or Dolly, if you are reading, please e-mail me.

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So we went to see Willy Wonka this weekend. It was fine. Johnny Depp is funny. That’s all about that, but what I really want to talk about is all the ads for mycoke.com that flashed before our eyes during the previews. When an ad refers to mycoke.com’s cool prospects for online “journaling,” I get interested for two reasons: 1) Why would any marketing agency use the word “journaling” to refer to blogging; 2) Why would anyone want to use the Coke server to create a blog.

I assumed that in order to create a Coke blog, you’d only be able to display Coke ads, and you’d probably have to have your entries censored. Coke can’t afford to be sued in case you want to scan a picture of your buttocks and place it on your online “journal,” now can it?

Upon inspecting mycoke.com, I found lots of ads for Coke with lime on every user blog (must be selling slow), and lots of pictures like the one you see on the right. “This a nude picture,” the author of EVAN92’s Weblog helpfully pointed out before the Coke administrators added the “entry not approved” graphic.

I think my predictions were right on! My next prediction is that “journaling” won’t last on mycoke.com for longer than a year.

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The author of dcapri.com recently asked his audience for help. He wanted to know what the main focus of his Web site should be.

I personally like his blog, and the bovel concept is so close to my heart that I feel like I invented it…

But one loyal reader came up with the best idea: Britain-focused movie reviews.

“British telly doesn’t have movie trailers, so when I go to the cinema, I pretty much have no prior information about a movie, apart from the posters in the lobby,” explained the reader. “I’d rather not pay $12 per ticket(yeah, 6 pounds=$12) to go to a crap film (don’t even mention Bridget Jones’s Diary: 2…ever).”

Why not just do a Google search on the Internet, you might be wondering. Well, that fan knows the big secret: only dcapri can be trusted to tell us what’s hot in movies today. He told me just yesterday that I might want to rent Catwoman: “Roaring good fun,” said he.

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