What’s worse than dressing your dogs up in clothes? Making them work for food. That’s just what the First Family is doing to their poor Scottish Terriers Barney and Miss Beazley, as illustrated by the below evidence, which we’ve pieced together from some suspicious “holiday” video released today by the White House.

George W. Bush, Laura Bush, Jenna Bush, Barbara Bush and several high-ranking government officials are accomplices. Dear Lord, what is next!!?? Somebody please help these pooches. Please. Help. It’s the Christmas season, for God’s sake.

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Facing another major embarrassment, the White House is working overtime to make it appear that 16-year-old Vífill Atlason did not decipher President George W. Bush’s secret phone number after Jenna Bush called her dad during a recent taping of the Ellen show.

In fact, in an effort to cover-up the story, White House spokeswoman Emily Lawrimore lied to ABC News, saying that that the Icelandic teen did not dial the private number but instead dialed 202-456-1414, the main switchboard for the West Wing.

“But that was not the case,” according to the report. “The student gave ABC News the number. It is indeed an extention off the White House switchboard and goes to a security command post office in the building next door to the White House.”

Atlason’s mother has expressed surprise that the White House would carry out a defamation plot against her son, but Atlason himself is taking the situation in stride.

“If the number were not top secret, why would the police have told me that I will be put on a no-fly list to America?” Vífill asked. “I don’t see how calling the White House is a crime. But obviously, they took it very seriously.”

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An Icelandic teen, MSNBC reports, figured out President Bush’s private phone number, and called it recently, leaving a message saying he was the president of Iceland and wanted Bush to call him back. When police visited the teen, after being alerted by Secret Service, he would not say how he learned the top-secret number. Big Head DC is speculating that he somehow deciphered the code from when Jenna Bush called her parents during a recent taping of the Ellen show.

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But how much do you wanna bet that Jenna Bush got a stern talking to and a slap upside the head when she got home?

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People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is considering Jenna Bush as their next “Sexiest Vegetarian Celebrity.” Washington Whispers reports that Ingrid Newkirk, president of the activist group, “made the offer in a letter to the first twin after Jenna told Texas Monthly that she shuns meat—and scoffed at reports she indulges in fois gras.”

“Good for you!” Newkirk wrote to Jenna in a letter provided to Whispers. “If you decide to go completely vegetarian by giving fish a break, we’d be delighted to nominate you for our hugely popular Sexiest Vegetarian Celebrity contest.” (Jenna reportedly loves Filet-O-Fish sandwiches.)

In case you forgot, cousin Lauren Bush won the award in 2003.

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You decide:

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When Jenna Bush sleeps in what she calls “the White House kids’ bedroom,” she gets spooked, according to Texas Monthly.

“I feel like it’s filled with millions of ghosts,” she says. “I get scared there sometimes. I’m not kidding. I have heard ghosts, I really have — ghosts singing opera. One night, opera noises came out of my fireplace. When I told my sister, she didn’t believe me, but the next week we were up late in that bedroom and we heard 1950s piano music. People will think I’m crazy for saying that.”

Thankfully for her, it won’t be much longer now before her hubby-to-be Henry Hager can keep her safe at all hours of the night.

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President Bush has appointed John Hager (father of Henry Hager, who happens to be Jenna’s fiance) to the delegation for the Special Olympics Summer Games in Shanghai next month.

And it’s not the first time Bush had pulled strings for the Hager family. Papa John was nominated by the president to be assistant secretary within the United States Department of Education, and then served from 2004 to 2007. Meanwhile, Henry somehow secured a cushy job with Karl Rove during the 2004 elections.

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Big Head DC can confirm that ABC’s Diane Sawyer has taped an interview with Jenna Bush, set to air this Friday on 20/20. The first daughter will discuss her recent book, along with details on her engagement to Henry Hager. It’s the first sit-down interview for Jenna since 2004 when she filmed an A&E fbiography about her mom.

Expect Sawyer to prod Jenna about her engagement ring, which she’s been telling friends she wishes were bigger. And by the way, she’s not preggers.

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Mark Morford is a columnist with the San Francisco Chronicle. Well, kind of. His writing is almost always non-journalistic in style, attitude and tone (and that’s according to Wikipedia!). In 2001 he was suspended for comments he made about a sexual relationship between a teenage male student and an older female teacher. Then, in 2003, he was suspended again, for violating Chronicle guidelines by including a swear word in his e-mail newsletter, The Morning Fix, without management’s permission.

Which brings us to today!

He apparently wants to have sex with and get married to Jenna Bush.

“Her hair smells like kitty litter and nachos and bad domestic wiretapping law,” Morford fantasizes. “But I smile a lot and make nice, because Grandpa George still has lots of contacts at the NSA, can get me into the right clubs, knows the codes.”

Funny! Right? Or creepy? You decide!

Earlier: Forget About Bride Jenna Bush for a Gosh Darn Sec Because Andrew Sullivan Would Want You To

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