WaPo gossip reporter Mary Ann Akers reports that Condi Rice bought an expensive purse for a friend for Christmas. Seriously. That’s the extent of her report. Except she uses four graphs to say it.

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War protester - and professor! - Desiree Farooz tried to seduce Condoleezza Rice with bloody red hands on Capitol Hill today. But that’s no way to get in her pants.

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“Condi and I have been friends for 25 years,” Randy Bean, a liberal lady (!) who some have speculated to be Condoleezza Rice’s lover, tells Radar. “We co-own an investment property in Palo Alto. We do not share a home.”

The Stanford University filmmaker adds that just because they share a house together doesn’t make them lesbians.

“The insult to my integrity is not that I’m gay but that I’m closeted,” Bean is quoted as saying. “For the record, I’m straight. Anyone who knows me knows how strongly connected I am to my values and political beliefs. If I were gay, I’d be out, loud, and proud.”

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Have you read Glenn Kessler’s new tell-all book The Confidante: Condoleezza Rice and the Creation of the Bush Legacy? Here’s a juicy tidbit he uncovered regarding Condi’s closet space and the fact that she owns a house with a female named Randy Bean: Read more…

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Maybe he’s sick of blogging.

Maybe he’s off rendezvousing with Anne Schroeder.

Or maybe he just couldn’t take Big Head DC’s relentless teasing re: his wacky mom.

Whatever it is, Wonkette editor Alex Pareene is on an extended stay in his home state of Minnesota today, and he’s chosen a local blogger known as “Princess Sparkle Pony” (we kid you not) to bat some snark in his absence. The horse has ridden this road before, so we’re sure the blog is in capable hands. Still, let’s hope “her” odd obsession with Condi Rice doesn’t run amok. We know, we know, anything’s got to be better than Pareene, but at least he gives us a pale target to ridicule.

Related: Gawker Boss Says Wonkette Needs More Scoops

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The famous comedian Jerry Lewis, doing a round of interviews for his annual muscular dystrophy Labor Day telethon, said that he doesn’t think the U.S. is ready for a female President, and he would not vote for Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton.

“Women should be having babies or naked, oiling themselves up at home,” Lewis has said in the past. “They should be waiting with bated breath for their man. The rightful heir to the throne and ruler of all mankind. Only a strong man in a bear-skin bathing suit back from a long night at the clubs can rescue the weak, docile, female of the species.”

Regarding females in politics, Lewis’ main argument is that Middle East countries do not — and would not, in his opinion — listen to leadership ideas from women leaders. He added that he thinks Condoleezza Rice is better suited to star on a soap opera, like Days of Our Lives, rather than being Secretary of State.

Lewis’ concerns come amid new accusations from a growing number of disabled people who are picketing this year’s telethon and his role in an operation that’s meant to help people with disabilities. They argue Lewis promotes a message of pity and weakness among the disabled.

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“Zeus makes a comeback in Greece.” Meanwhile, secular America is, like, totally screwed. (Bill O’Reilly says “told ya so” to Stephen Colbert.)

For the last time, President Bush does not like “sending humans to Mars.”

War on terror kicks war on drugs ass.

Unabomber’s old papers turn out to be the original Declaration of Independence. (Or something like that.)

Threesome! Politicos, the tubular Internet, and video!

Another day, another Presidential candidate who’s not Barack or Hil.

More and more people are finding vaginas useful in the political arena. And Hil insists she’s always had one.

How many Baptists does it take to screw in a Democratic Presidency?

“Sing us a song, you’re the piano man. Sing us a song tonight. Well, we’re all in the mood for a melody, and you’ve got us feelin’ alright.”

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