Baby dolls, Amanda is alive and kickin’ up her Manolo Blahniks! In case you’ve been wondering where Ms. Amanda Woodward, the real Princess Sparklepony, has been for the last seven days, I’ll tell you. Amanda has been fucked up off her feet, riding a week-long drug binge like a rocket man in a penthouse condominium. I’ve been flying oh-so high, and, honey, it feels spectacular!

But if you think I’m going to whip up an incoherent post about how I haven’t gotten laid in 15 months, you’re in for a letdown. First of all, honey buns, Amanda Woodward gets laid everyday and twice on Saturdays! Second of all, after waking up from one of my drug binges, I stick my face in a bowl of ice water, just like Miss Joan Crawford used to do. And, girl, nothing wakes you up or tightens your face like a bowl of ice water at 1 p.m.!

The last time I was sober was in the picket line for the Happy Hour Boycott. What an amazing, heart-pounding experience the picket line was! I haven’t felt so much solidarity for a cause since I led the Stonewall Riots. We really stood up and stood for justice, and justice prevailed!

After the picket, I invited all the girls and kids back to the luxury P Street NW penthouse condominium for a little of Amanda Woodward’s original sangria. Want to know the secret to Amanda’s sangria? Well, here it is, baby dolls! Before adding the fruit to the wine, I put the wine in my blender. Then I toss in a bottle’s worth of Percodan. Next I dump three or four Ecstasy tablets in the blender. After that, I throw in some Adderall and Ambien. Finally, I toss in a couple Lorazepams for good measure. I blend it all up until the pills disappear and then I put in the punch bowl and throw in some fruit and liquor. The grown-ups really love my sangria, and they’re always wondering what my secret ingredients are. I’ll never tell them! Shhhhh!

Once I get started on a sangria binge, it takes me at lest six days to finish what I started. I’ve been running my Fortunes 50 corporation out of my P Street penthouse this week so I can continue my binge. There’s a little Peter Gatien in all of us I guess! Boy this sangria mix is Divine!

Well, many of my readers have been emailing to find out what happened after Bason nearly caught Leven and I screwing on the floor of my CEO suite. It wasn’t pretty, girls. Leven crawled into the closet, and I tried to calm Bason down with a bump of K. Bason began screaming and shouting, and I had to order my underlings to have him escorted out by security. Bason has been calling and harassing me ever since. Twice
this week he tried to sneak into my condo building but was caught. It’s a good think I’ve been able to hide away up here Peter Gatien-style all week. Sometimes that boy Bason can be downright scary!

Until next week, babies: kiss, kiss, kiss! Don’t be afraid to try my sangria recipe at home!