Help this dude out, ladies (I think I know him): 

The DC metro/NoVa dating scene could drive Mother Theresa to drink.

Never, in all of my travels, have I had the misfortune of meeting so many people that are this self-absorbed and this petty. Not to mention neurotic, maladjusted, insecure, materialistic, violent, and just damn rude. I think it would be an interesting socio-anthropological study. The question: Why do so many pinheaded nutjobs congregate around DC? Are they drawn like borg to the presence of our Drooler-in-Chief? Or do they come like flies, attracted to the endless stream of bullshit that those invertebrates in Congress shovel out so diligently? Whatever the answer, it seems clear that since a divine power won’t intervene, we must put our hopes in science. (Note to self: What does the fact that I live here say about me? Irony factor: 10)

But while we’re waiting for funding for the Save Ourselves and DC From Itself project, I’d like to go on a date. And despite being pretty jaded, I’m generally a funny happy-go-lucky guy, most of the time. And I’m a big believer in perserverence. So here goes nothing (again) and here’s a bit about me.

As for the physical stuff, I’m 5′11″, 160 lbs., I’m lean and fairly fit and I do some form of exercise almost every day, but I could probably afford to run more, seeing as I smoke and I’m over 30. I’ve been told I’m handsome (but momz’ll say anything if she’s done enough Jaeger shots). I’m gainfully self-employed, well-traveled, and I like to draw. I’m a good listener and I’m kindhearted despite having a dark and often sarcastic sense of humor. Traits I admire are courage and humor. I despise cruelty, stinginess, and machismo-fueled violence.

So, about who I’m looking for:

AN ATTRACTIVE SANE IN-SHAPE WOMAN. That’s it. I know what I want and I’m secure with where I am in my life. So I can’t compromise here.

Please do not respond to this ad if you are obese (I don’t mean to be rude, it’s just a preference). Also, if you regularly talk on your cell phone on a crowded train, do not respond. If you answer your cell during dinner without asking your companion permission to take the call, do not respond. If you are seeking to fill the gaping void in your heart by leeching onto a guy that will throw jewels and designer dresses at you, do not respond. If you swear like a sailor, do not respond. If you talk incessantly even though a comfortable silence would clearly fit the mood better, do not respond. You might also consider looking elsewhere if you are desperately seeking marriage. Also, if you have a very intense drug problem. And finally, and this is a really important one: If you don’t say “thank you” after someone buys you dinner, DO NOT RESPOND.
On the flip side, if you are kind and smart then please do respond. If you are looking for a real man, not one who swings his junk around in an effort to distract from his insecurities, then please respond. And if you’re all of the above and beautiful/cute/sexy to boot, then please, for the love of God, RESPOND (LoL)

I know you’re out there.

I need a picture of you in order to respond. And I have more pics to show.