Here it is, kids, my weekly conversation with the literary genius of our times, Marty Beckerman, author of Generation S.L.U.T.:

BHR: So how was your birthday party that I missed last week?

MB: My friends picked up the tab, so naturally I went straight for the Goose and Ketel because I’m a prick and it was my birthday. Unfortunately the bartender slung a glass of Jaeger my way and that was the end of the night. Of course, I started the night with tequila — Don Julio — which is a guaranteed way to have a horrible morning, so I was screwed anyway.
 
BHR: Wow. You really do drink. Did you hang with any big stars?

MB: Oh, just Charlie Sheen. (Who has an uncanny resemblance to Reason magazine’s Dave Weigel. Such a resemblance that you could almost swear that it was Dave at the party, not Chucko.)

BHR: Hmm, I like Reason magazine, but I think Julian Sanchez might be a prick. But I digress. Speaking of big stars, just wait to you see what’s planned for the coming weeks involving Big Head DC. You’re going to be quite humbled, Mr. B.
 
MB: What? Did you file for food stamps or something?

BHR: Even better. It’s very gossip-worthy. Hey, what’s the best gossip you’ve heard this year?

MB: Just what I read on your hate site.

BHR: That’s not a hate site, silly, it’s my libelous fan site. They watch my back. And good. Apparently they found that sex video I downloaded to Youtube of me having sex with a dressing bottle. I can’t wait til it finally leaks because at least the painful memories of that evening will finally be worth it. Talk to you next week.