We don’t know how the 2001 unsolved murder of Congressional intern Chandra Levy could possibly have anything to do with E! (entertainment) or Hollywood (entertainment). But we’ll be liveblogging the show tonight at 8 p.m. to fill you in. Then, we’ll watch Desperate Housewives (entertainment) and not liveblog it. Sound good?

8:00: We’re live. Got your popcorn ready?

8:01: 3 interns murdered! “All turned up dead,” booms a spooky voice. They frequented the same coffee shops… Oooooo

8:02: THS Investigates? What the hell…We want True Hollywood Stories. You’re not fooling us, E!.

8:03: “None of these cases have been solved.” Thank God THS Investigates is on the scene. “What happened to Chandra is still a mystery.” Wanna bet that their sleuthing will uncover the murderer? We’ve got 5 bucks that says it won’t.

8:05: Chandra was ambitious. Weird.

8:07: Gary Condit labeled “handsome.” We feel ill.

8:08: DC is a sexy city, claims some dude. Weird.

8:10: Chandra wore a bracelet that Condit “may have given her.” Smells fishy.

Commercial thoughts: Host Samantha Harris is not sexy enough to be covering this sexy city and these sexy crimes. We, however, are.

8:15: “She was at her computer.” And THS has a picture of her at her computer. Was this a set-up?

8:16: She left her cell phone behind? No way. This was not an accident. No one forgets their cell phone in DC.

8:19: Congressman Condit grows less handsome by the second.

8:20: The flashy Hollywood graphics really make this an even sexier story, no?

8:21: Condit had an apartment in Adams Morgan. Crazy.

Commercial thoughts: They’re going to cover some other murdered intern in the next segment. Our thoughts may wander, but please don’t take that the wrong way.

8:27: Whoa, Samantha Harris now goes undercover as a hooker. (Too much eye makeup, gf).

8:28: Ever get the feeling that E! is exploiting these murders? We’re not judging, however.

8:30: Christine and Dave got married after “dancing the night away.” Ahem.

8:31: Why call it WaRshington? Distracting. Whoa, we think this intern might have been murdered.

8:33: Friends wanted to go dancing–Christine didn’t. She “was never again seen alive.” Moral here: go dancing.

8:34: Our mom would have to not hear from us for like a year before she would start to get concerned.

8:36: Take a cab when traveling alone at night.

8:37: One suspect was already dead. Ironic. DC’s basketball team used to be called the Bullets, did you know that?

Commercial thoughts: Last night, we were at the Starbucks that the next intern went to before being murdered. Moral: we don’t know–yet, that is.

8:45: Joyce had a twinkle in her eye. Prospective murderers, be warned, our eyes are stone cold dead.

8:47: She was likable. Nuts!

8:48: None of these girls look very black to us. Don’t black people get killed in DC? We wonder why E! didn’t focus on any of those murders…

8:49: “And what happened next?” asks host. She was fucking murdered! Aren’t you paying attention, by now?!

8:52: Host looks serious. We think she just figured out the whole murder thing.

8:56: OK, we aren’t getting paid to watch this show, and we haven’t learned anything we didn’t already know. That is, don’t go to Starbucks, always go dancing and stay away from Gary Condit. So, we’re going to sign off for now. Night.